i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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