I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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