I think I died a long time ago.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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