Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
