Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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