Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
