he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have tasted many bathrooms
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
