So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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