I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
