bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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