Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
