I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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