He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
