I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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