I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
