My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
