So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
