She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
