I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
