I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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