I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
