so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
