Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Who died my cat blue again?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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