I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I understand Curling. That high.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
