Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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