I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
