The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
