i jhust puked up my retainher.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
