Your dad touched me again.
just tell him i said nine months
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
