Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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