I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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