I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
