I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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