Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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