R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
