Please, let me fuck your mom
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
