At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
