I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
