This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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