you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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