Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
