After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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