why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
