I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
