Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
