when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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