Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
