i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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