its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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