sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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